Divine Masturbation

All I do is belch diatribes?! Is that all I bloody well do?! How dare that ignoramus. He has the face of a blobfish caked in fermented sewage and kimchi, yet he is the one that dares insult me, Phineas Finn, the MOUTH OF GOD. He dares mock the one who has been gifted to provide the highest order of spiritual erudition to the masses. Yet that…that…belligerent savage—who cannot speak without a slurred word that stinks of anti-freeze riddled alcohol—believes he can attempt to degrade me in such a manner in front of my adoring masses. Yes, the troglodyte might point out that two jeering teenagers recording me on their mobile phones do not equate to a group of followers, but even the exalted Messiah had to start somewhere.

Let me expand on why this fool’s fool couldn’t stand my gifts of divine knowledge being proffered to the sinners of London at the Speaker’s Corner, as you, who are not overflowing with celestial wisdom, may jump to ignorant conclusions. For example, you might believe that this drunk accosted me in the middle of my noble soliloquy because the Devil had filled him with demonic essence. Such deductions would naturally be wrong. Do not despair, it is not your fault that you are blind to the true nature of this world, for God has not gifted you with such splendiferous knowledge as he has done so to me. With that in mind, I must inform the likes of yourselves that such a hooved red-man does not exist as a polar opposite of God.

I can help clear your mind of such naivety with simple reasoning. If there is only ever to be one truth, then that is God is all. God is the Earth, the galaxy, the stars, the universe, gravity, dark matter, dark energy, electrons, protons, cells, neurons, blood, and that pimple on the nib of your nose which everyone notices and tries not to stare at for too long. The delightful tango that this matter and energy have with each other that takes place before our very eyes are and always will be a part of the same being. So, if that is the case, how can there be an equal or opposing force? The answer is simple: there can’t be. Also…God…YES…the almighty…holiest of holy…

BASTARD! That drunk toothless baboon who stinks of curdled dog’s piss and cheap cider. How dare he think he can best the MOUTH OF GOD! That means I speak for a being that is and knows all! My sermons would make virgins—if there are any left in London—bear fruits of Heavenly wisdom and love to their almighty father! Although, that does sound incestuous, as God is the father to us all. Wait, no, that is silly of me to say, as God is everything and everyone, and that must mean planting such seeds of truth and love is technically divine masturbation.

YES! Divine Masturbation! My teachings are masturbations of the most holy! What a glorious idea to speak about! I can already see it. Tomorrow, you, the ignorant masses gasping in cosmic ecstasy as I masturbate you all with God’s love! Also, I am sure that deplorable vagabond will throw himself into a pit of despair after he realises what he has done to such a provider of knowledge. Oh, yes, he shall fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, and I will look him straight in the eyes as they shimmer with tears, leave him to suffer for agonisingly long seconds so he learns his lesson, before blessing him. Yes, yes, I look forward to it! Tomorrow is surely the day that my foretold movement starts!

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