Evil Pasta

SUCCESS! Albeit a small one, it is still progress. The good Lord’s work is paying dividends, and some are finally seeing the light. I had a substantial crowd of three paying attention to the words of God that rained down upon them like rain on the Sahara Desert. It didn’t start in such glory at first, as none paid much attention to the beginning of my sermon where I berated civilisation for losing belief in the divine, which is the main reason for our decline into depravity. None gave a damn, but when I thought about my previous diary entry about starting small, I changed the topic of my verbal enlightenment into one about the evils of low-fat ice cream.

            Those that stopped to listen all appeared enthralled and delighted that God cared about such small matters and did not think of them as trivial. I spouted a few curses against the heathens that created such an abomination and added that artificial sweeteners should not corrupt such deliciousness. This chemical deception only harms our God-given bacterium within our gut. Also, God is a being of truth, the antithesis of sweeteners. You choose to live in a world of lies if you eat such blasphemous desserts.

            So, it appears I have possibly identified a key to reaching his flock. It is clear that I must start small in his message, as their minds cannot yet fathom his majesty. I have already decided on the following topic for my next sermon: The Evils of Wholegrain Pasta. A disturbing trend created by those who want to punish the populace into subjugation by torturing them with such blandness. How can anyone care about the beauty of life when they have to be subject to such tasteless inanity? This food is a poison that causes malevolent cynicism, and we must fight against it at all costs! Yes, yes, the crowds are sure to love this spiritual erudition.

Gap Insurance

Many call me a liar and a conjurer of stories about the holiest! However, I have a simple rebuttal, as I am the MOUTH OF GOD, I simply cannot speak untruths. Perhaps for some, this would not be a good enough explanation. These fake believers wrongly interpret the most sacred of sacred texts, the Bible, and will point at me and call me a blasphemer, heretic, and heathen that sucks at the Devil’s sack. In their eyes, God would doom me to Hell, to burn there for a damnable eternity, yet that is idiocy.

I would tell these so-called believers we are all a part of God, so how and why would the Almighty damn parts of himself to eternal torture? Unless he was some deviant masochist, but to assume that would be the actual blasphemy. I suppose I should not be so arrogant and discount those who cannot handle such higher-level thinking and provide answers for the more mundane sides of life, such as:

–        Pepsi or Coca-Cola? Of course, Coca-cola, but it must be from a glass bottle.

–        Should I buy gap insurance for my car? No, it’s a waste of money, and don’t be an idiot who buys a new car with a value that sinks like a boulder thrown into a lake. After four years, you’ll have lost over half its value, especially as the used car market bubble is about to pop.

–        Should I pick my nose? That’s a definitive yes, but just don’t wipe it on your fellow human.

–        Is it a sin to buy low-fat ice cream? What is the point of eating ice cream if you care about your weight? Just don’t eat it and bother putting yourself through the experience of utter disappointment from eating the diet variety. Such behaviour exemplifies an arrogant human belief that they can improve upon God’s creations through chemically induced lies of sweetness and fat. This is an incredibly heretical behaviour that should lead to an immediate stoning.

As shown above, God communicates to me about smaller facets of life as well as he cares about every part that we mortals involve ourselves in. There are many more that I can list, but I must return to Speaker’s Corner to shout at an evangelical preacher for being an idiot that believes that damn near everyone is going to Hell. 

Peter Pan and Slavery

Violent degenerates, the lot of them! Thugs with heads full of pig excrement! How dare they attack the MOUTH OF GOD? All because they cannot handle the divine truth. They prefer to bury their heads in the sand, as if they discovered the actuality of the surrounding reality, they would realise that their whole life has been a lie and the trauma of this would be too much to bear!

Let me tell you my dear diary, all I did was explain to a young lady and her man who was walking by that God’s love was all around them, that we are all a part of him, and thus for us to feel the joy of this reality was masturbation of the holiest. At first, they appeared disgusted with my sermon, but I saw the hesitation in the lady’s footstep, making me think I had a chance to bring her into the light, so when I went to her, asking her to engage in righteous self-love with me was when the mood soured. This damsel became a heathen witch and her brute man’s face filled with rage.

I tried to explain to them that as we are all a part of the Almighty, and when we rejoice and let his love splash us from head to toe, we are letting a cosmic level of pleasure enter us. I tried one last-ditch effort and grabbed both of their hands to guide them, but the ruffians both bopped me in response. The spectators who witnessed such an assault had also shown their own villainy as they cheered on these two perpetrators. No one offered me a hand to get up. In fact, they fired insults my way. Alas, I cannot but feel that this incident is further evidence that London is at the level of Sodom and Gomorrah when such wretched cities were at their worst.

The city is a corrupt cesspit built from deceit. Its very green lifeblood consists of lies. Much of this monetary lifeforce is a fabrication that is alterable by the maleficent financial operators, as it no longer represents anything tangible like gold, and can be changed at a whim. They add zeros and ones onto spreadsheets, creating pounds out of thin air, and use this to magic away each other’s debt so that they can borrow more fabricated monies from each other, to then enrich themselves through asset acquisitions and bonuses. The only way the fiction works is that we, the people, help prop it up and all believe in it like Peter Pan. However, unlike such a hero, we don’t receive the reward of flight. The cost of our belief is we become slaves, giving these overlords our most precious asset, time, all in exchange for pieces of paper that represent a lie.

I want to scream this at every Londoner, day in, day out. That they are willing believers of this lie. That if they had a higher form of worship, then they wouldn’t fall into such an obvious trap. If they had God, with his love going hard and deep into them, then his seed of wisdom would grow inside, allowing them to open their eyes to see that their adoration of capital can only ever bring them misery…. but when I try to show them this truth, they resort to savagery and hit me on my nose. Bastards.

Divine Masturbation

All I do is belch diatribes?! Is that all I bloody well do?! How dare that ignoramus. He has the face of a blobfish caked in fermented sewage and kimchi, yet he is the one that dares insult me, Phineas Finn, the MOUTH OF GOD. He dares mock the one who has been gifted to provide the highest order of spiritual erudition to the masses. Yet that…that…belligerent savage—who cannot speak without a slurred word that stinks of anti-freeze riddled alcohol—believes he can attempt to degrade me in such a manner in front of my adoring masses. Yes, the troglodyte might point out that two jeering teenagers recording me on their mobile phones do not equate to a group of followers, but even the exalted Messiah had to start somewhere.

Let me expand on why this fool’s fool couldn’t stand my gifts of divine knowledge being proffered to the sinners of London at the Speaker’s Corner, as you, who are not overflowing with celestial wisdom, may jump to ignorant conclusions. For example, you might believe that this drunk accosted me in the middle of my noble soliloquy because the Devil had filled him with demonic essence. Such deductions would naturally be wrong. Do not despair, it is not your fault that you are blind to the true nature of this world, for God has not gifted you with such splendiferous knowledge as he has done so to me. With that in mind, I must inform the likes of yourselves that such a hooved red-man does not exist as a polar opposite of God.

I can help clear your mind of such naivety with simple reasoning. If there is only ever to be one truth, then that is God is all. God is the Earth, the galaxy, the stars, the universe, gravity, dark matter, dark energy, electrons, protons, cells, neurons, blood, and that pimple on the nib of your nose which everyone notices and tries not to stare at for too long. The delightful tango that this matter and energy have with each other that takes place before our very eyes are and always will be a part of the same being. So, if that is the case, how can there be an equal or opposing force? The answer is simple: there can’t be. Also…God…YES…the almighty…holiest of holy…

BASTARD! That drunk toothless baboon who stinks of curdled dog’s piss and cheap cider. How dare he think he can best the MOUTH OF GOD! That means I speak for a being that is and knows all! My sermons would make virgins—if there are any left in London—bear fruits of Heavenly wisdom and love to their almighty father! Although, that does sound incestuous, as God is the father to us all. Wait, no, that is silly of me to say, as God is everything and everyone, and that must mean planting such seeds of truth and love is technically divine masturbation.

YES! Divine Masturbation! My teachings are masturbations of the most holy! What a glorious idea to speak about! I can already see it. Tomorrow, you, the ignorant masses gasping in cosmic ecstasy as I masturbate you all with God’s love! Also, I am sure that deplorable vagabond will throw himself into a pit of despair after he realises what he has done to such a provider of knowledge. Oh, yes, he shall fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, and I will look him straight in the eyes as they shimmer with tears, leave him to suffer for agonisingly long seconds so he learns his lesson, before blessing him. Yes, yes, I look forward to it! Tomorrow is surely the day that my foretold movement starts!