Gap Insurance

Many call me a liar and a conjurer of stories about the holiest! However, I have a simple rebuttal, as I am the MOUTH OF GOD, I simply cannot speak untruths. Perhaps for some, this would not be a good enough explanation. These fake believers wrongly interpret the most sacred of sacred texts, the Bible, and will point at me and call me a blasphemer, heretic, and heathen that sucks at the Devil’s sack. In their eyes, God would doom me to Hell, to burn there for a damnable eternity, yet that is idiocy.

I would tell these so-called believers we are all a part of God, so how and why would the Almighty damn parts of himself to eternal torture? Unless he was some deviant masochist, but to assume that would be the actual blasphemy. I suppose I should not be so arrogant and discount those who cannot handle such higher-level thinking and provide answers for the more mundane sides of life, such as:

–        Pepsi or Coca-Cola? Of course, Coca-cola, but it must be from a glass bottle.

–        Should I buy gap insurance for my car? No, it’s a waste of money, and don’t be an idiot who buys a new car with a value that sinks like a boulder thrown into a lake. After four years, you’ll have lost over half its value, especially as the used car market bubble is about to pop.

–        Should I pick my nose? That’s a definitive yes, but just don’t wipe it on your fellow human.

–        Is it a sin to buy low-fat ice cream? What is the point of eating ice cream if you care about your weight? Just don’t eat it and bother putting yourself through the experience of utter disappointment from eating the diet variety. Such behaviour exemplifies an arrogant human belief that they can improve upon God’s creations through chemically induced lies of sweetness and fat. This is an incredibly heretical behaviour that should lead to an immediate stoning.

As shown above, God communicates to me about smaller facets of life as well as he cares about every part that we mortals involve ourselves in. There are many more that I can list, but I must return to Speaker’s Corner to shout at an evangelical preacher for being an idiot that believes that damn near everyone is going to Hell. 

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